Most mornings I feel like a spy.
I get out of bed.
very slowly & carefully open my bedroom door then close it behind me gentle so that it doesn’t make any squeaky sound.. i creep down the hallway, pass the girls room and can hear my feet lightly pressing into the carpet, deeply hoping that the girls cant hear the puffy carpet sound of my feet – did i mention that i am holding my breath the entire time!
I pass the girls room with great success and make my way to the hallway door . i twist the knob ever so slowly and gently pull…it makes a sound, another gentle sweep and the sound is gone… phueff! “lucky i greased the hinges”.
I creep into the kitchen, put my books down on the bench (in the dark) before turning back towards the ‘tunnel of doom’ (hallway) just to go sit on the toilet.
I open the laundry door.
SQUEAK! FUCK! then a little bit more, skreeeek! ahh!
“why have i never greased THESE hinges!”
By this point i feel shitty.
my neck tenses, my breath is shallow, my mind is clouded with racing thoughts AS IF the girls have ALREADY woken up from my puffy carpet feet and squeeky door sounds.
As I sit on the toilet, experiencing the sound of a raging waterfall basically falling out of me into a pool of more liquid! I give up. if they didnt wake up before they are definitely awake now!
“great, my morning time is ruined”
Once i am back in the kitchen, overwhelmed and annoyed by this point at the amount of stress i put my body through JUST SO i can have one hour to myself first thing in the morning. i turn on the lights. i make my coffee then go sit down in the same corner of the couch every time.
*this process is the first stage of my morning, then one of two things happens from here…
Some days i hear tiny voices coming from the bedroom, right now i can hear my two year old singing. it’s 5.45am.
Today my spy-ness game wasn’t the strongest *clearly* and other days i feel like the worlds best spy.
It just shows how much my morning time alone- kid free- silent time- time to breath and explore my mind, my creative juices and passions and fears and ideas and dreams are to me.
I am willing to super sneaky spy style my way out of bed JUST to be alone with myself.
i don’t know about you but that is my version of pure dedication ha ha.
The days that I wake my girls up *LIKE TODAY* with my extremely ‘loud and abrupt’ method of hallway walking are the days that anger rages through every living cell in my body.
my daughter walked out of her room, i hugged her while i attempted to walk her back to bed. TANTRUM! at 6.05am! holy shit. like full blown tantrum!
Days like today I feel an emotional roller coaster of negative emotions run through my mind- anxiety, anger, stress, guilt…all within the space of 30minutes!!!
Other mornings, my life feels like a magical dream- anxiety fades fast as my butt hits the couch cushions, blanket on, coffee in one hand, pen in the other. in complete silence and stillness for at least an hour…
what a dream! Oh. how i wish my morning reached that magical place today, instead I can hear my 4 year old daughter on the toilet yelling at daddy “you made me upset” because he told her that if she wants to go back to sleep she can lay in our bed because her sister wants to read a book with the light on (they share a room)
tomorrow is a new day my friends.
tomorrow is a new day.
Love Sammy
xx
Dear Daughters 