Author Archives: sammylee

I miss being a toddler mum.

I miss the careless wonder, the innocence, the imagination play, the dress ups.

I miss the mix matched outfits, the tutu skirts, snack times, the “whys”.

I miss the chaotic home days, the tiny tantrums, messy baking and craft sessions.

I miss the soil play, insect discovery and puddle splashing.

I miss the giggles, the peak a boos and watching play school.

I miss how simple it was to entertain and impress.

I miss nap time cuddles and nap times in general.

I miss being the most important teacher in their life, the one who guided their day.

I miss talking about fruit and vegetables and watching them grow together.

I miss observing and watching them explore moment by moment.

Being a baby mum felt hard… but for me, becoming a school mum feels harder.

I miss being a toddler mum and will forever cherish the moments that shaped my beautiful daughters into who they are today.

This is my next chapter.

Being a school mum challenges my character, my values and shines light on my shadows in real time.

I’m grateful for this new chapter because it forces me to stay focused, mindful and clear on what is most important to me and obvious when Im going off track.

I took a different turn on my bike ride today.

Usually, I ride on an open track surrounded by nature on one side and houses on the other then turn right at the end of the track towards town, people and noise.

Today when I came to the end of the track I decided to turn left, away from town, away from people, away from my normal route.

The track felt bumpy at times, unfamiliar and I didn’t know how far I was going to ride because it seemed like an endless path, it was.

I experienced open green fields, beautiful red birds flying and horses right beside me.. I was emmersed in nature and I loved it!

It was beautiful, inspiring, enriching and I felt alive.

When I turned around to come home and rode back on my usual route I had a bird following me along the track trying to swoop me.

It would swoop then land, take aim and swoop again.

I felt a little bit scared but understood why this bird might feel threatened by me.

After my spike of adrenaline calmed I related this experience back to life, I love how experiences in nature can offer great insights and perspectives.

If we choose to go left instead of right (doing things differently to how we usually do things) we will be met with situations that challenge us and some people who don’t like it (swooping birds)

But, we also open ourselves up to experiencing new and beautiful things that weren’t there before or might have been there but couldn’t be seen because we were always turning away from them instead of toward. (Right instead of left)

Every time I choose to turn left I am choosing to step out of my comfort zone and that feels scary and painful most of the time if I’m honest, but rarely disappoints. I always learn something new about myself, experience something new or gain new perspectives that I can apply to my life.

With pain comes pleasure and with pleasure comes pain.

They go hand in hand. And together, from my experience have the ability to create massive growth and opportunity in our lives.

How can you turn left today?

What is one little change you can make in your day that will give you a slightly different experience than before.

Most mornings I feel like a spy.

I get out of bed.
very slowly & carefully open my bedroom door then close it behind me gentle so that it doesn’t make any squeaky sound.. i creep down the hallway, pass the girls room and can hear my feet lightly pressing into the carpet, deeply hoping that the girls cant hear the puffy carpet sound of my feet – did i mention that i am holding my breath the entire time!
I pass the girls room with great success and make my way to the hallway door . i twist the knob ever so slowly and gently pull…it makes a sound, another gentle sweep and the sound is gone… phueff! “lucky i greased the hinges”.
I creep into the kitchen, put my books down on the bench (in the dark) before turning back towards the ‘tunnel of doom’ (hallway) just to go sit on the toilet.

I open the laundry door.
SQUEAK! FUCK! then a little bit more, skreeeek! ahh!
“why have i never greased THESE hinges!”

By this point i feel shitty.
my neck tenses, my breath is shallow, my mind is clouded with racing thoughts AS IF the girls have ALREADY woken up from my puffy carpet feet and squeeky door sounds.
As I sit on the toilet, experiencing the sound of a raging waterfall basically falling out of me into a pool of more liquid! I give up. if they didnt wake up before they are definitely awake now!
“great, my morning time is ruined”
Once i am back in the kitchen, overwhelmed and annoyed by this point at the amount of stress i put my body through JUST SO i can have one hour to myself first thing in the morning. i turn on the lights. i make my coffee then go sit down in the same corner of the couch every time.

*this process is the first stage of my morning, then one of two things happens from here…

Some days i hear tiny voices coming from the bedroom, right now i can hear my two year old singing. it’s 5.45am.
Today my spy-ness game wasn’t the strongest *clearly* and other days i feel like the worlds best spy.
It just shows how much my morning time alone- kid free- silent time- time to breath and explore my mind, my creative juices and passions and fears and ideas and dreams are to me.
I am willing to super sneaky spy style my way out of bed JUST to be alone with myself.
i don’t know about you but that is my version of pure dedication ha ha.
The days that I wake my girls up *LIKE TODAY* with my extremely ‘loud and abrupt’ method of hallway walking are the days that anger rages through every living cell in my body.
my daughter walked out of her room, i hugged her while i attempted to walk her back to bed. TANTRUM! at 6.05am! holy shit. like full blown tantrum!

Days like today I feel an emotional roller coaster of negative emotions run through my mind- anxiety, anger, stress, guilt…all within the space of 30minutes!!!

Other mornings, my life feels like a magical dream- anxiety fades fast as my butt hits the couch cushions, blanket on, coffee in one hand, pen in the other. in complete silence and stillness for at least an hour…
what a dream! Oh. how i wish my morning reached that magical place today, instead I can hear my 4 year old daughter on the toilet yelling at daddy “you made me upset” because he told her that if she wants to go back to sleep she can lay in our bed because her sister wants to read a book with the light on (they share a room)
tomorrow is a new day my friends.
tomorrow is a new day.

Love Sammy
xx

Dear Daughters,

Something amazing happened today!

We went to the dentist at the hospital…..

Mummy has beautiful teeth apparently, the dentist was super impressed!!  But, that is not the amazing story I have to share.

After the dentist appointment we went and sat down in the cafe. We were with mummy’s friend and her little girl but they had left us for a few minutes to go to the toilet.

I had a women, who looked like a nurse come up to me and say ” Are you Samantha?” and of course I responded with “yes” (because that’s my name, DUH)

Then she said “your mum is waiting for you up in chemotherapy”.. I felt a bit of emotion and instantly said “oh, that’s not me” while she had a look around the cafe I then followed with “that is my name though…” and she said “oh, she told me that she was in the cafe with her kids”…

Let me just tell you that I was the ONLY one in the cafe with kids!!!! and why did this women walk in and say this to me as my friend went to the toilet for not even 5 MINUTES!! I should probably add that I had looked at the clock moments earlier and the time was 12:12 (not 100% sure what that time means but surely it has to be something special!)

As my friend came back just as this women left I told her what happened and we both felt very emotional…

What do I take from that!?

I have been struggling girls, really struggling! I miss my mum so much each and every day and feel a deep pain from not having her in my physical life.. the emotional baggage I have buried deep within from this one life event I experienced in childhood has come to surface slowly over the past few years. Within the past month I have been opening up and letting the pain into my life, focusing on healing my soul from the inside.

Could this be her way of coming into my life to tell me that she is here….?

What happened to me today was far beyond a ‘coincidence’. I believe there is a deeper meaning. Everything happens for a reason and I want to believe that my mum is subtly finding her way into my life to tell me that it is okay to heal and to finally be set free from the pain that I feel on a daily basis from not having her here.

I believe that Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Failure and more have all manifested in my body because of my mums passing.

I am choosing the time now to heal, to be set free and what an amazing gift today was!

I love you both so much and I will restore my mind,body and soul for our future my babies, I promise! you are my inspiration to change.

Aren’t we so lucky to always have a beautiful Angel looking down on us.

Love Mummy

xx